Thoughts

Day 1: 

A hot summer afternoon, plenty of sunshine, noises coming from the construction work going on outside and the strong smell of molten pitch. Perfect day to sit in a cool cafe and have a chilled ice-coffee. Instead, forced to sit in the office, without a cooler or even a fan and, worse, to work on course assignments. While the subconscious mind wanders to unchartered territory, the conscious part tries hard to concentrate on the work at hand, and fails. The thoughts vary from what-am-i-doing-with-my-life to how-does-my-future-look, from i-feel-lonely-and-depressed to i-feel-loved-and-cared-for, from nothing-seems-to-work to everything-is-perfect and so on. The human mind! 

Day 2:

Smell of molten pitch replaced by the smell of rain, torrential downpour, sight of everything getting drenched, black clouds hovering overhead, a big cup of cappuccino in front, and thoughts running wild. Strangely, the thoughts are distinctively different from Day 1. All complicated, feeling-lost thoughts gone, and replaced by a strong feeling of satisfaction, content, happiness. Also, deeper concentration on the work at hand. Is it the rain? The smell of rain? The cool refreshing breeze caressing the face? The rainbow that has just appeared? Who knows :) Ah the human mind!

Two different scenarios, two different thought processes and a sole realization that human mind is the ever-most complicated thing in the universe; and controlling it, the second most :(

Conversations

When asked to define happiness, one could think of a lot of things. Good health, prosperity, satisfactory personal and professional relationships, fulfillment of basic expectations and needs and so on. However, I define happiness a bit differently. Ofcourse the above mentioned things are absolutely necessary to be happy, but I find happiness in smaller, more simpler things. One is, for example, good food. As already mentioned in one of my last posts, I am a food fanatic and proudly so. Food, and necessarily good food, gives me immense happiness and satisfaction beyond words. The mere thought of indulging in yummy cheeses (for the information, I now know the names of all famous cheeses in the world :D), mouth-watering desserts, chocolate fudges, brownies and cookies gives me goosebumps (well, almost). Another would be traveling- getting to see new places, knowing new cultures, new living habits, feeling lost in a web of unknown languages and accents but still enjoying every bit of it, and meeting interesting people. One more thing that has recently found its way into my happiness-index is taking pictures. I never thought I would be so much interested in photography, but strangely I now see myself enjoying taking pictures and dreaming of buying a DSLR someday :) Later when I go through these pictures (the same also applies to old albums, old G-talk chats, emails and letters) and try to remember the exact moments, I get a feeling that there isn't anything more blissful than this!

However, an important constituent of my happiness-index has still not been mentioned so far, which was practically the reason why I started writing this post in the first place. In the last few days, there hasn't been anyone who has not told me that I look happy.  Added to that, I also feel a strange energy in my voice which was distinctively absent in the last few months. I don't remember when was the last time I looked, or felt, relaxed and less irritated. This is actually a far cry from what I feel and look on most days- tired, or sleepy, or over-worked. I have tried to think of reasons; maybe the lower workload now that I have postponed my yearly presentation, maybe I feel rejuvenated and motivated after traveling for two weeks, the fact that my parents are going to be here soon, that the weather is so warm and nice. While all these have definitely played a role in making me look less grumpy; there is one more reason, a very important one indeed, which I have realized has never failed to lift up my mood in a jiffy. Conversations. Nice, heart-warming and colorful conversations :)

How much strange it may sound, conversations do make me happy. Conversations about nothing in particular, or conversations about things in particular; either way they give me unparalleled satisfaction. Being a self-proclaimed garrulous person who talks incessantly, I am capable of continuing a conversation for hours. However, I fail at initiating good conversations, which thankfully, has never been an issue given the large number of natural-conversation-starters around me. When asked what I found most attractive in a man, I would say that my man should be good looking in an intellectual way, with eyes full of life (the ever-most important criterion I judge a person by), and a good talker. True to that, I have always found myself attracted to people who are good at  striking up interesting conversations; over coffees, wines and beers, in the balcony of guest houses on the hills, during afternoon walks along empty roads, in crowded metros, in parks on rainy days, late into the night while resting the head on the shoulders, staring at the ceiling on a stormy night, in the sheer darkness with distant traffic sounds, or through virtual devices. Talking about childhood, growing up, past incidents, habits and interests, experiences, perspectives, family and life in general, excite me beyond words. It is like getting a part of the person; what they feel and think, felt and thought, how they perceive a situation, what they have experienced in life; and being able to keep that part forever with yourself, never fearing to give it up. Ever.

In the last couple of years that I have lived alone and spent a lot of time thinking, I have realized that there are just a handful of people who have been able to give me happiness this way. Maybe this is also the reason I find myself happier in the company of these few people, while I talk to hundred others daily. Maybe this is also the reason for me being and looking happy in the past weeks (definitely conditioned upon less workload), with a big grin on my face 24*7 and singing often in the office corridors during office hours! Peaceful conversations :)

Avatarized!

*Creativity at work place*

I often come up with innovative ideas of wasting time during office hours and boring lectures. This is one such. While the back sides of most of my notebooks are covered with sketches and cartoons of teachers and professors (a habit that I believe I picked up in my kindergarten years), this one is an impromptu attempt to sketch that side of myself which I love the most! :D

Potpourri

Amazing French cheeses, wines, yummy caramel desserts, perfect sunny weather, heavenly landscape, late-night long walks along the shore with friends and guys with that french accent! what not to love about southern France :)

 When we came to Nice last weekend, never did we imagine that we all are in here for a treat. A treat to the eyes. The place, in one word, is heavenly. One needs to be here to believe how amazing it is. It doesn't have specific tourist places, attractions, monuments and alike which one can visit in an hour or two. What make the place so great are its landscape, the beach, the perfect blue water of the Mediterranean and the french cuisine. The first four days have been deadly hectic, working for 20 hours everyday, attending conferences, presenting papers and sleeping only when we realized that the mind cannot work any more and that we could collapse any minute. However, what followed afterwards has so far given us no reason to complain. Of all things that I have loved in Nice, the long walks at night, with the limitless stretch of the sea in front, planes flying over the head and light breeze caressing the face, have triumphed the list. However, I'll remember these days for the rest of my life not mainly because I am having so much fun and that the place is so beautiful but because of the amazing friendships it has helped me to build.

It couldn't have had come at a better time; a time when I was desperately looking to have a friend whom I could talk to, about anything, about happinesses and pains, about concerns and fears. Being a complete social extrovert, I have a huge bunch of friends to go out with, to talk to, to hang out with. But at times these aren't enough. Late at nights, sometimes a rush of memories make the eyes damp, or the heart digs some previous sadness and is saddened yet again, or the pangs are too strong to ignore. It is in moments like these when one longs for someone to keep the mind distracted. I never thought I would feel all these emotions when holidaying, but the heart has ignored me. During the past weeks, life has taken a different turn. Several realizations have hit me bad and have left a dull pain in the throat which just refuses to go. The change in place has perhaps helped in healing the pain to some extent. But what has definitely worked wonders for the mental peace has been these late-night talks with friends about different issues, office gossips, men, food etc. People say talking about completely unrelated stuff takes the mind off the vicious cycle of unhappinesses and gives you motivation to fight back. The pains aren't made less, no solutions are earned; just the heart is fooled into believing that there is life beyond. However, I feel that these not only gives you the strength to not think about difficult times but also establishes friendships that stay for a lifetime :)

So while looking forward to having a lot of nice time, the French way and thereafter the Spanish way; I sit here in a magical place, late into the night, with a fresh sadness of people lost and new happiness of finding people to share moments with and realizing that life, indeed, is the best teacher!

Us!

I have read this particular comic strip atleast fifty times and each time I have said to myself "Oh Calvin, how accurate!" I find this somehow the best possible explanation of the hitherto unbeknownst four-lettered word. Love! It is, in fact, all that keeps us from strangling the subject(s) of our affections most of the times. Probably this is also the only reason that has kept me from strangling him all these years. Love.

People say, the best thing that can happen to someone is to have their full-time friend as their part-time lover. It makes life a lot easier and comfortable. However, what people never tell you is that it comes with its fair shares of "you-already-knew-this-about-me" and "you-used-to-be-so-much-better-when-we-were-friends" arguments during fights. Also, when that person happens to be someone like him, it takes a lot of hard work to remain sane!

For one, he is the weirdest person I have EVER come across. When we had just started our relationship, one of his male friends would accompany us often on our dates and it just irritated the hell out of me. I always thought that people craved to be alone with their sweethearts, atleast during the initial days of dating. But the guy had proved me wrong, and how! I always thought being slightly possessive about your girlfriend, saying mushy stuff once in a while, expressing emotions vocally, giving compliments, doing some occasional PDA are normal! But then he excelled at being super-oblivious to my demands and did what he was best at, be confidently weird!

We were great friends before we started dating, which is another story altogether and would be part of the autobiography years later. When friends would ask us how we met and got to know each other at our infamous maths tuition, I would talk incessantly for hours on end giving out all the juicy details, while he would sit there and pass some sarcastic remarks. In response, I would paste a "plastic" smile on the face, while mentally cursing him and regretting the moment I decided to take the plunge into the sea of criticism for the rest of my life. However, on other days, he would randomly say that how much he enjoys being in the hometown with family and friends, it feels incomplete without the daily evening meetings at 8B now that I wasn't there. On these  rare events I would feel the heart flutter, realising that I have fallen in love all over again :)

I remember when we used to talk at night over phone, he would just say "hmm" "achha" "sunchi toh" every once in a while. I always knew that he was not listening a word and was busy browsing the channels or doing something else; and when I would would ask him what I had said for the last ten minutes he would just make those terribly cute puppy sounds and apologize. And in case you are wondering, he would go back to the same "hmm"s a minute later :-|

I remember when we were dating in Calcutta, he would always keep me waiting for hours. I would arrive at our chosen place, albeit late, and call him only to know that he had just started from home/college. In the mean time, I would rehearse the choicest of words that I would say to him once he arrived. But then he would arrive with an angelic face and the most innocent smile and it would instantly melt my heart and made me forget the last half an hour of silent cursing.

Once, when we were living in different cities, I made up a story and told him that I was in love with someone else. I just wanted to see his reaction, expecting that he would probably create a lot of drama about it. However, he never asked me how I could do this to him, or what he would do now. He was just silent for awhile and then said to me "If that's what makes you happy, I'll be okay with it!" How I wanted to strangle him at that moment! I thought it didn't matter to him if I would be with someone else. I thought he didn't love me enough.

There are thousand other instances when I want to kill him; for speaking sarcasm as the first language, for being the biggest narcissist and thinking that I am an emotionally screwed up and immature person who is ALWAYS wrong, for taking me for granted, for not wanting to go out even when we are together and preferring to watch movies or talk instead, for not being ultra romantic on anniversaries or special days, for being so practical most of the time, for criticizing Aamir knowing that it bugs me to no extent, for never giving me a single compliment, for irritating me with those snide remarks about almost everything and then trying stupid tricks to pacify me, for never expressing emotions and for those innumerable instances when I am annoyed by his mere existence.

However, there are thousand-and-one reasons for loving him, reasons that are unknown to me. I always tell him, "there's not a single other piece like you in the whole world". But now I know that the best things in life , indeed, come in a single piece :)

So thank you PD for everything that you have done (and not done!), thank you for loving me with all my imperfections, thank you for being there when I am feeling low (and suicidal) and thank you for bringing an important person into my life whom I now consider a prized possession. Happy anniversary!

Thunderstorm in Jena

Staying alone can be pretty scary at times. It becomes scarier when you stay in a quiet building on the hills, with big trees and bushes at the back. However, it gets worse when all these are accompanied by thunderstorms! Some people tend to enjoy the creepy feeling and the sudden doses of lightning. Some people are too preoccupied to even notice them. And some people find this an excuse to cuddle with loved ones. I thought I belonged to the first category, and partially to the third. But never did I think that a time would come when I would be scared of them. So, in an attempt to stay calm and not think about these devilish lightnings, I sit here and.. well.. write about thunderstorms! 

I remember running out to the balcony whenever there was a thunderstorm back home. The roar of thunder, those lightning flashes and later the torrential downpour intrigued me to no extent. Baba accompanied me often outside, while Ma and brother always remained cuddled inside. There's a common saying in Bengali which goes like this: "jhawr hole sankh banja" which literally means "in times of thunderstorms, blow the conch shells". As a kid, I never understood the correlation between these two. It was only in my teens that I got to know what the saying actually signifies. In our culture, conch shells are viewed as having distinctive spiritual qualities. It is believed that the sound emitted from the conch shell shall dispel any surrounding negative energy and purify the environment. Back home, whenever there was a thunderstorm, one could hear conch shells being blown in every house and then gradually the thunderstorm would stop! On most of these days, Ma made 'khichuri' afterwards with fried eggs and aubergines and we savored every last morsel. Sadly, the next day would always be a mess, with reports on fallen trees, destroyed roofs, broken wires, damaged buildings and injured people. In the last one and a half years that I have been in Germany, I have never experienced such a thunderstorm. Rains are quite a rarity here, let alone storms and lightning.  However, today was strangely different from all other days with almost an hour of thunderstorm. Maybe it's sole intention was to scare me and then teach me how not be scared even when I was alone and had no one beside. Or maybe to teach me how to stay calm and keep the mind distracted, rather than calling up friends for compassionate comfort. 

Whatever it was, it seemed to work pretty fine. I never realized when the thunderstorm and lightnings stopped and the sky cleared :) One more lesson in self-dependence passed!! 

You!

A greyish rainy afternoon, a large cup of coffee, research journals lying around, twenty tabs opened on the office desktop and I sit here and write about YOU!

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Presents are always special. So is the anticipation. They become more special when they are sent from across the oceans. They become even more special when they constitute books by favorite authors. But when they come in bubble wraps, bliss! 

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Not many would know that I have been into painting since childhood. Going to the drawing class, every Sunday, from 5 o'clock -7 o'clock in the afternoon was something I used to look forward to the whole week. Of all the things that I loved to draw, portraits topped the list. As a kid, I always asked Baba to buy me those sketch-books where they had pencil sketches of very well-known historical figures and I used to spend hours and days drawing them. Over the years, sketching portraits of historical figures gave way to portraits of role models, cricketers, TV and movie actors. But in all these years, never did I make a portrait of myself. I always had this wish that someone would make a portrait of me which I would then frame and hang up on the wall. 

After so many years, finally my wish has come true. I now have a sketch of myself, and ecstatic is the word I am looking for to decribe how I feel right now!

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I love writing long posts/mails/letters/messages. I love reading them even more. I have been a voracious reader since childhood, reading everything I could lay my hands on, and enjoyed almost equally penning down my thoughts in diaries. While there is no substitute for books, sometimes I craved for a looong mail or a letter which I could read on days like these. However since the last two-three years, I haven't. The cravings were met even before they became a craving. Small happinesses, I say :)

And when such a long letter arrives with a hand-written one, or with a cricket headband, 'small happiness' turns an understatement. 

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In the entire post, I haven't mentioned you even once. That's weird given that I intended to write mushy things about you and that how lucky I am to have you. Maybe this is because I fail miserably at re-iterations and voicing emotions. However, I know that you would know that IT IS indeed about you and that I don't have to write mushy things to describe you! Just a single word is enough for that!

Soulmate :)

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P.S. I cannot thank you enough for the gifts, and the thoughts you have put in to make each of them special.  I loved them, each one of them. I feel blessed to have you and to be loved and cared by you. I do not know where life will take us, but if I had the power to control destiny, I would never ever let you go. However difficult the circumstances are. And sorry for being such a rude and selfish giant on the 23rd's, Jan and April 2013.

The rest, you know.

(This somehow reminded me of the last scene of 'Marley and Me'. When the dog dies and is being burried, everyone takes turn to say something or the other to the dog, as a final note of love and affection, to proclaim how much they loved the dog. The eldest kid, who the dog was closest to, just says "He knows". One of the best closing lines in a movie that I absolutely loved!!)

All I can say is that the moments spent with you are what I call a kaleidoscope :) :)